To All My Former Friends

[A/N: If you are a close minded person, clear out of here. I didn’t know expressing feelings is free of judgments; yet then again, we live in a world full of it, don’t we?]

You guys know who you are.

I am writing this at the moment because I know how it feels; to be betrayed like that over some “stories” that were true, yet refused to believe by many; or “stories” that were just stories, yet everyone had believed instantly.

I cannot name all of you since you dominate the number of my real friends (yes, i do have real friends, and i guess they ARE unlucky as you guys point it out as always, but i am thankful for them in ways i can’t exactly explain), but I’ll address you all in entirety. I guess this isn’t really what “sincere” is, but I know that most of you wouldn’t really be that approachable anymore (yes, I am judging you with this statement, something that most of you do; forgive me, i am merely expressing.), so here goes.

I don’t know what your perception of fake is, but please know that you can always ask, instead of distancing yourselves. There are things that I lie about (no point denying it since my real friends also know that I am a terrible liar), but there are things that have certain truths. You have your points, that maybe I should do the approaching; but, dear God, I’ve done it so many times in different timelines and maybe I just stick to what I learned in the past; nothing wrong with it, is there?

Concerning the things I lie about, I have a lot of them. White lies, mostly. And yes, for attention. But never about my state of being. I lie about stories, and I lie about things that I say sometimes; for a reason, though. I’ve told most of you guys why and what for, and it’s up to you to believe it or not.

I never lie about how I feel though (except telling people that “it’s okay” when it’s not). I won’t expound more, because I prefer to tell this in the future, in person, when you guys are ready to talk.

My point is, yes, I am not a “chix” for you guys to bother approaching me first, but ignoring me wouldn’t help either. It would just result to an ugly turn of events, and immature indirects on social media, and a lot of things similar. And if your intentions are peace, then the feel of wanting to reach out should be mutual; that is, if you even intend ones. But as one of you pointed out, “hindi naman ako kawalan.”

Just recently I’ve been guilty about backstabbing one of my peers, and it’s shameful. I shouldn’t have said that about her, because I’ve been bullied like her before, so I started talking to her again (I’m sorry again if you’re reading this; but you can have assurance that I will never speak ill of you again). I won’t be included in the bandwagon of the ones who cause societal cancer. I wouldn’t judge or stab anyone in the back ever again. I feel terrible.

So if you guys are reading this, should I be approaching you within days, ignore me or not, it will always be up to you. But I had enough of the silence and the horrible things I have done that is anti-social. And if ignored still, then, I won’t be joining the club. I’ve had enough of sneers and whispers, and this is me breaking my innermost thoughts. Help yourselves to gossips.

Once again, I apologise profusely for the things you thought I lie about, or the things I lie about, even. There will be proper execution of this, I assure you. Maybe it’s time I speak to all of you one by one, before cutting the cord (for people who wouldn’t dare speak to me again), or being reunited once again.

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Regrets

I regret being with the wrong crowd.

It had affected me in ways that I could not explain the past few years (to be exact, last two years). How it made me trust less and distance myself more to others. It affected my thoughts about the society; my mindset was, society had cancer; where people tell others to be themselves, and be judged for it.

I had so much to say about the issue; I mean, yeah. I am friendly and somewhat “care free”, like what my friends say. But no one really knows how I lock myself in my room when I arrive home. How I cry about the littlest of things; how I want to have a better society that would extend global unity; but frustration overcame my determination; how can one teenager who has societal issues cause a betterment?

I may not be one of a kind, but my intentions are clear; but I guess, no one can really escape reality. One too many people are jeopardized about the fact that they CAN stereotype other people. But little do they know that it’s SO WRONG. And I don’t know how I can help, if people do not really help themselves.

There was this one time in my high school years where I had to endure bullies and whispers about me. I really thought about suicide. I don’t know what else to do besides the fact that I want to cut my wrists in slits and end it. JUST END IT. That echoes in my mind and I guess at the time, the only way for the voices in my head to stop is to just do it. No one would care anyway; but that was my biggest regret.

Helping society may be useless for now; but I want to be part of the change that would occur if the time comes. I’d rather not mind what other people say, because I know deep down that I’m not really those things; it doesn’t hurt me anymore. A wise person once told me, that if none of those things are true, then I wouldn’t have a reason to be afraid.

And I wasn’t afraid.

To The Girl Who Dedicated Me The Insulting Blog Post

I didn’t know that you didn’t know what you did last summer.

I have to let this out. Because you refuse to talk to me in person and you prefer talking to me indirectly through blogs social media etc. The last time I indirectly ranted about you was a year ago, and I must say, I HAVE MY REASONS. But right now, you do not have one to even tell me that I caused all of these, because first of all, it was your fault. It would have been better if you talked to me and came clean; instead, you kept on telling people you were innocent.

Did you realise the trauma you’ve caused me that time? THAT TIME I HAD NO ONE. And I was expecting you to BE THERE. I was at the hospital, and I was crying on you about how I was so torn that time–and you chose to take advantage of the situation. To what? To betray me, to tell everyone how pathetic I was? And why would you say that I was a gold-digging-flingy-girl when YOU of all people knew how much backstabs and hurt I get from exes and ex friends? YOU of all people knew EVERY SINGLE THING about me. And now you tell me that I bully you? I??? Why, what did I ever do to you that was so wrong? Did you even had the heart to hear my explanations? Yes, I’ve had mistakes from the past; but at least I reached out. I apologised profusely for what I’ve done, even if I knew that my intentions were innocent.

I waited for you. I told myself that I shouldn’t give up to people I love. Because I LOVED you. So much. Each and every one of you (your classmates I mean). I preferred being with you guys than my own clan of class peers. I helped you even more than the latter. I was there; when you had problems, when you had success, and you weren’t there until the end. But what did you say? “Walang iwanan… Di ka namin iiwan!” But on the contrary, it was you who walked away. It was you who was talking shit behind my back (I have the screen caps if you need proof).

I had to let this all out. They keep on coming back as nightmares. I told you that I’d be willing to talk–but I guess, it’s not a mature nature from you. SO here is one “immature” way of expressing how damaged I was when YOU, not I, neglected ME.

I’ve forgiven you ages ago; you just didn’t want to talk things out. Were we even friends in your perspective, or was I just someone you laughed about?

And I doubt you would see this anyway.

From,
The Girl Who Smiled Way, Way, Way, Way, WAAAAAAY more than you did

WHY DOES IT BOTHER ME

Why does it bother me?

Imma write this in my elementary code. This is a “language” my best friend and I invented because I just want to rant.

sdjkjklnagjksldkdse;jslsellaksosnlkasinlsdkldakokdjaskjedijslkdlfksilahswdlkdlknajlasldksdlanglsdldkldclosenlsldkwlakaladjsdjwdlkkobaksdjldslfriendsjsklslekaltayonkjasldkhaloakdlskdlsdknakakainisskdjzldslnapaniwalakajsdkdjskjnasdkdjlanamanjklsdlasdalakonkdjsldkanajaskldkalhindisjalsddkakoalsdkasldsdklnagiisaasjaldjdkhskdperonakdjkdwnagiisasndeksjalpakljsdlskdinsljdslkapalaasjdkllaakosdjlaskal;shay

I just want to express how lonely it is to think that you’ve actually found what you were looking for; but you lost it again.

And that is unfortunate and sad. Just sad.

// A/N: And btw if you guys are looking for formal blog posts, visit the other blog. //

How

Seriously I don’t know what to do.

Just this week, I’ve tried to apply for internships; one for an online news blog, and another, for a nationwide broadsheet. Maybe I am getting ahead of myself; but I would really like to try the hands on experience. I’ve tried consulting my mom; she’s all for it, but she has no confidence in me. I’ve tried my friends, and they’ve told me to give it a go. So, I did.

I contacted the news blog through social media, and thank God they had replied earlier than expected. They instructed me to pass a curriculum vitae (resume) and some sample works. I tried to rack my heads to think of a news and a feature, completed my CV, and passed it to the blog’s email. Same thing happened with the newspaper; only, that they had conducted an interview and I am not confident enough about the answers they’ve bombarded me with questions with.

Results? Here I am, waiting for one of them to confirm.

I have a serious problem with self-esteem. I do not have that. I have insecurities and people might think I am overreacting and over thinking. But, it is an attitude of mine that came natural for me. I can be positive for others, yet I degrade myself. How do I overcome these pretenses?

Most people say I should just get over it. I’m not ugly, I’m actually nice, I write well and I am a good person. But why are they not satisfying for me? It’s like…

I’m finding myself. Or, I am pushing myself harder to become better; will I ever be better?

I guess I need to love myself more.

But how?

Opportunity Cost

I still cannot believe that this is my final stage (college education) well I mean, yeah, right after I can take masters (for journalism) but still!!!!

There had been dramas and stresses even just under a span of a month but

hey, when did I ever give up and just slack?

Well, there was one time. I gave up on something I really love, but in exchange for betterment, I chose one over the one I wanted the most. And it is turning out quite well for me; I just need to adjust a bit. But aside from that, my life is back on track.

This is all thanks to the people who made this possible. Thanks guys. I’ll be a better person; one goal? TO BE SUCCESSFUL! HAHAHAHAHA okay this post is shitty and meaningless and informal, but if you want formal, do visit my other blog (wow I managed to promote another blog lol) wordslingerdiaries.wordpress.com

before this gets more random than it already is, I’ll bid you guys au revior! I’ll be posting again soon. (busy because schoolworks)

oh, lesson?

Sometimes giving up doesn’t mean the end of the world. Sometimes, it is the start of something new and better.

The Piggyback Ride

Years ago he ran away

From possibilities far from his grip

Cowardice and pride

And a laughingstock, perhaps?

He left her all alone.

All those years he hid

And left his self esteem

And all those years she waited

With a scarred heart,

And made it stone cold.

Hopeless longing it was;

Until she bore a little boy.

But after all those years

He’d left her alone,

He remembered sweet memories

And how he’d carry her through

Life’s endless storms.

In the ethereal world

Full of floras and faunas,

Where he deserted her

She waited.

Waited, and waited, and waited.

He came back for her.

Came back just in time

Just when a storm was about to hit the ground

I thought the little boy

Whose heart doubted if the man

Would accept him

Would be left;

For the years the man and his mother

Had spent apart,

Would be for fulfillment

Of the stolen time.

Yet as he kissed her hello,

And hugged with endless tears,

He strode towards the little boy

Bent his knees and turned his back around him

Saying,

“Care for a piggy back ride?”

They hadn’t spent hurricane moments since.