Regrets

I regret being with the wrong crowd.

It had affected me in ways that I could not explain the past few years (to be exact, last two years). How it made me trust less and distance myself more to others. It affected my thoughts about the society; my mindset was, society had cancer; where people tell others to be themselves, and be judged for it.

I had so much to say about the issue; I mean, yeah. I am friendly and somewhat “care free”, like what my friends say. But no one really knows how I lock myself in my room when I arrive home. How I cry about the littlest of things; how I want to have a better society that would extend global unity; but frustration overcame my determination; how can one teenager who has societal issues cause a betterment?

I may not be one of a kind, but my intentions are clear; but I guess, no one can really escape reality. One too many people are jeopardized about the fact that they CAN stereotype other people. But little do they know that it’s SO WRONG. And I don’t know how I can help, if people do not really help themselves.

There was this one time in my high school years where I had to endure bullies and whispers about me. I really thought about suicide. I don’t know what else to do besides the fact that I want to cut my wrists in slits and end it. JUST END IT. That echoes in my mind and I guess at the time, the only way for the voices in my head to stop is to just do it. No one would care anyway; but that was my biggest regret.

Helping society may be useless for now; but I want to be part of the change that would occur if the time comes. I’d rather not mind what other people say, because I know deep down that I’m not really those things; it doesn’t hurt me anymore. A wise person once told me, that if none of those things are true, then I wouldn’t have a reason to be afraid.

And I wasn’t afraid.

To The Girl Who Dedicated Me The Insulting Blog Post

I didn’t know that you didn’t know what you did last summer.

I have to let this out. Because you refuse to talk to me in person and you prefer talking to me indirectly through blogs social media etc. The last time I indirectly ranted about you was a year ago, and I must say, I HAVE MY REASONS. But right now, you do not have one to even tell me that I caused all of these, because first of all, it was your fault. It would have been better if you talked to me and came clean; instead, you kept on telling people you were innocent.

Did you realise the trauma you’ve caused me that time? THAT TIME I HAD NO ONE. And I was expecting you to BE THERE. I was at the hospital, and I was crying on you about how I was so torn that time–and you chose to take advantage of the situation. To what? To betray me, to tell everyone how pathetic I was? And why would you say that I was a gold-digging-flingy-girl when YOU of all people knew how much backstabs and hurt I get from exes and ex friends? YOU of all people knew EVERY SINGLE THING about me. And now you tell me that I bully you? I??? Why, what did I ever do to you that was so wrong? Did you even had the heart to hear my explanations? Yes, I’ve had mistakes from the past; but at least I reached out. I apologised profusely for what I’ve done, even if I knew that my intentions were innocent.

I waited for you. I told myself that I shouldn’t give up to people I love. Because I LOVED you. So much. Each and every one of you (your classmates I mean). I preferred being with you guys than my own clan of class peers. I helped you even more than the latter. I was there; when you had problems, when you had success, and you weren’t there until the end. But what did you say? “Walang iwanan… Di ka namin iiwan!” But on the contrary, it was you who walked away. It was you who was talking shit behind my back (I have the screen caps if you need proof).

I had to let this all out. They keep on coming back as nightmares. I told you that I’d be willing to talk–but I guess, it’s not a mature nature from you. SO here is one “immature” way of expressing how damaged I was when YOU, not I, neglected ME.

I’ve forgiven you ages ago; you just didn’t want to talk things out. Were we even friends in your perspective, or was I just someone you laughed about?

And I doubt you would see this anyway.

From,
The Girl Who Smiled Way, Way, Way, Way, WAAAAAAY more than you did

WHY DOES IT BOTHER ME

Why does it bother me?

Imma write this in my elementary code. This is a “language” my best friend and I invented because I just want to rant.

sdjkjklnagjksldkdse;jslsellaksosnlkasinlsdkldakokdjaskjedijslkdlfksilahswdlkdlknajlasldksdlanglsdldkldclosenlsldkwlakaladjsdjwdlkkobaksdjldslfriendsjsklslekaltayonkjasldkhaloakdlskdlsdknakakainisskdjzldslnapaniwalakajsdkdjskjnasdkdjlanamanjklsdlasdalakonkdjsldkanajaskldkalhindisjalsddkakoalsdkasldsdklnagiisaasjaldjdkhskdperonakdjkdwnagiisasndeksjalpakljsdlskdinsljdslkapalaasjdkllaakosdjlaskal;shay

I just want to express how lonely it is to think that you’ve actually found what you were looking for; but you lost it again.

And that is unfortunate and sad. Just sad.

// A/N: And btw if you guys are looking for formal blog posts, visit the other blog. //

How

Seriously I don’t know what to do.

Just this week, I’ve tried to apply for internships; one for an online news blog, and another, for a nationwide broadsheet. Maybe I am getting ahead of myself; but I would really like to try the hands on experience. I’ve tried consulting my mom; she’s all for it, but she has no confidence in me. I’ve tried my friends, and they’ve told me to give it a go. So, I did.

I contacted the news blog through social media, and thank God they had replied earlier than expected. They instructed me to pass a curriculum vitae (resume) and some sample works. I tried to rack my heads to think of a news and a feature, completed my CV, and passed it to the blog’s email. Same thing happened with the newspaper; only, that they had conducted an interview and I am not confident enough about the answers they’ve bombarded me with questions with.

Results? Here I am, waiting for one of them to confirm.

I have a serious problem with self-esteem. I do not have that. I have insecurities and people might think I am overreacting and over thinking. But, it is an attitude of mine that came natural for me. I can be positive for others, yet I degrade myself. How do I overcome these pretenses?

Most people say I should just get over it. I’m not ugly, I’m actually nice, I write well and I am a good person. But why are they not satisfying for me? It’s like…

I’m finding myself. Or, I am pushing myself harder to become better; will I ever be better?

I guess I need to love myself more.

But how?

Opportunity Cost

I still cannot believe that this is my final stage (college education) well I mean, yeah, right after I can take masters (for journalism) but still!!!!

There had been dramas and stresses even just under a span of a month but

hey, when did I ever give up and just slack?

Well, there was one time. I gave up on something I really love, but in exchange for betterment, I chose one over the one I wanted the most. And it is turning out quite well for me; I just need to adjust a bit. But aside from that, my life is back on track.

This is all thanks to the people who made this possible. Thanks guys. I’ll be a better person; one goal? TO BE SUCCESSFUL! HAHAHAHAHA okay this post is shitty and meaningless and informal, but if you want formal, do visit my other blog (wow I managed to promote another blog lol) wordslingerdiaries.wordpress.com

before this gets more random than it already is, I’ll bid you guys au revior! I’ll be posting again soon. (busy because schoolworks)

oh, lesson?

Sometimes giving up doesn’t mean the end of the world. Sometimes, it is the start of something new and better.

The Piggyback Ride

Years ago he ran away

From possibilities far from his grip

Cowardice and pride

And a laughingstock, perhaps?

He left her all alone.

All those years he hid

And left his self esteem

And all those years she waited

With a scarred heart,

And made it stone cold.

Hopeless longing it was;

Until she bore a little boy.

But after all those years

He’d left her alone,

He remembered sweet memories

And how he’d carry her through

Life’s endless storms.

In the ethereal world

Full of floras and faunas,

Where he deserted her

She waited.

Waited, and waited, and waited.

He came back for her.

Came back just in time

Just when a storm was about to hit the ground

I thought the little boy

Whose heart doubted if the man

Would accept him

Would be left;

For the years the man and his mother

Had spent apart,

Would be for fulfillment

Of the stolen time.

Yet as he kissed her hello,

And hugged with endless tears,

He strode towards the little boy

Bent his knees and turned his back around him

Saying,

“Care for a piggy back ride?”

They hadn’t spent hurricane moments since.

Starting Segregation

I would be introducing my newest blog; it would be filled with objective writing. This would be my training ground to more objective writing. I am a feature writer; I’ve only known opinions and facts since my fourth grade years, and I would be glad to learn new perspectives regarding my chosen career. I must be flexible, and I must lessen my subjectivity.

Two more years in this so-called college, and I would be out there; writing, reporting, and serving my country.

Here’s to all the passionate journalists who would never leave their stand, and would never be daunted by the fears and dangers that lie ahead.

Here’s to us!