I’ll never forget the first time I made friends. I was in kindergarten, and there were people inside a classroom; a new classroom, because I was accelerated because my teacher said I read too much for my supposed level. So there I was, standing and I was asked to introduce myself.
I sat down next to a long haired girl and she was my first friend ever. Best friends, she even said. I was happy of course, because at a very young age, talkative and jolly I may be, I was pretty insecure about myself.
I was known to be a little bit clingy when making friends. Idk why too. Maybe I was constantly longing for companionship. I was raised by my grandmother when my mom and dad separated for good, and I keep to myself all the time except when mum visits me in the province. I am happy about leaving for school because I knew that friends await me there, and the house I lived in consumed me into deafening silence.
Then life happened. As I grew up, the circle of friends became smaller as I step into another level. Best friends became just friends, and friends became strangers. I persisted. Even if people said outwardly that we’re not really friends, I try to join their clique.
Mistake number one. I got too obsessed with the idea of fitting in.
Then high school happened. I thought it would be a whole new world and I’d finally fit in and make a band of buddies I can keep for life.
Mistake number two. I was too hopeful.
I ended up having friends in HS; their number can be counted on my ten fingers. The rest were mere acquaintances and yeah, classmates.
Although there was a time in my HS days where I befriended a whole group of people but ended up losing them because maybe, I wasn’t good enough for them. Nevertheless I gave them my all, which was a mistake number three: giving my all to people who are not worth it.
There was also a girl who said I was her best friend. I was glad she and I really hit it off for the next four years until after graduating she said, “You’re not really my best friend; I pretended because you wanted me around.”
Mistake number four, hanging on to people who don’t want to be with you.
College then came. I was so excited that things may be different.
Mistake number five.
I happened to only have four friends in my class (in college), one of which had stopped talking to me suddenly, without even a heads up.
I was too aggressive to make friends.
But then one person told me that they are not necessarily mistakes. People just have their preferences. We all have the power to choose.
Maybe that’s mistake number six, i chose the wrong people.
If there is a lesson I’ve learned that life made me think through, is that people change, people choose, and not everything in this life is permanent. You have to make every moment count as if it’s the last.
Problem is, I rarely make moments count, thinking that there is always a next time. Mistake number seven.
This time, I’ll look back from where it all began and hopefully learn from these mistakes. As what Lily (HIMYM) once asked Ted, how will you know if the mistake is a mistake or not?
My mind’s all messed up and idk how to fix this mess but at least I poured my heart out. For years I haven’t really.
Mistake number eight. Believing that things are permanent and right. But not everything.