My head’s underwater but I’m breathing fire.
I DON’T KNOW IF SOMEONE IS READING THIS WORDPRESS BUT IF IT IS, I HOPE YOU HAVE A SENSE OF ACCEPTANCE. This is not a usual situation especially for me, but it’s just so important to me and I would really appreciate it if you keep the things written here to be strictly confidential. If you happen to be stereotypical, I suggest you should just stay away from this wordpress, especially THIS post. Because this is about someone who is very dear to me.
So here goes.
My boyfriend’s a bisexual.
I cannot say that this is recent. It’s been months since this summer. At the time, we were together for 3 months (we are still together despite the fact stated above, mind you.) and I thought everything was okay. But since then, we lacked conversation and heat in the relationship. A friend of mine (who happens to be someone he used to really like) said that one of his fatal flaws is falling fast for someone and can never seem to be around someone consistently. Meaning, he was not exactly a loyal person. That was when I was confined in a hospital in our province. Then I learned that he was always with that friend of mine last summer, which, I admit, made me so angry that I started to be fatal to myself.
But that issue was resolved. We were so close to the breaking point. I was angry, frustrated, breaking down, and all the negative things seemed to be put together and slowly killing me inside. Part of me wanted to just let him be, but I loved him so much that I pleaded with him. I pleaded him to stay, to risk for me again, because we weren’t even trying very hard. The relationship lacked endurance and a lot of talking and, okay, we lacked fighting (we were always sweet, that’s why I guess he got bored). But yeah, he agreed and despite the rocky summer, we managed to save the relationship. Then, one day, I learned what the fuss is about.
He told me that there are more secrets that he hadn’t shared with me yet, which I told him to spill. I was starting to conjure an answer by his littlest responses. The pieces seemed to form when I put two and two together. Until I stepped foot to the answer, he decided it was time for me to know–he liked a BOY. A BOY. MALE. BOY. MALE. He liked someone from the same gender.
It was a lot (AND HARD) to process. MY BOYFRIEND’S BI! That was why he was NOT READY to have a relationship with me. We were texting each other that night. He said he really feels comfortable that he “came out” in the night. I told him everything was fine, that I was taking things okay, and that I would never leave him alone despite the facts I learned from him. But that was two lies and a truth. I was NOT fine, I was NOT okay. But I was sure I won’t leave him alone. He had done worse, yet I’m still here, crying for him like a moron. As he said good night (nightie night!), I turned my phone off and cried. HARD. HARDER than I did last summer. WHY DID THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN? Was this the reason why he gave us a chance? Because he thought I’d understand?
BUT I REALLY DID UNDERSTAND. I really did. And I still loved him for it. But it hurts. Of course it does. Who would want to be second best to their boyfriends? And I NEVER IMAGINED I WOULD BE JEALOUS OVER A GUY. So yeah, I tell him to open up about the facts he left out, and he did. He seemed so happy while he was describing the feeling of being in love with the same gender. But as he state all the happy things to me, I was at the other line, silently crying and pleading that he would stop, because everything he says is a dagger pierced in my heart. But I tried to be patient with him. I wanted him to feel that he was still loved, that I would never leave. I would really NEVER leave, but it’s difficult to be happy for him. But I stayed.
One boy, two boys, three boys. Who knows how many more?
Until one night, there was this new guy he was texting. He kept on telling me that he was nice, and he was sad every time that guy would not reply. His spirits were heightened every time he talks about that person. HE EVEN INTENDED TO BUY A SIM CARD JUST FOR HIM TO TEXT THAT PERSON. I lost it. I REALLY LOST IT. I began ranting him:
SO GO, JUST TALK TO HIM. FORGET ABOUT THIS NUMBER AND JUST TALK TO HIM. YOU WANT TO TALK TO HIM SO BAD, RIGHT? I’LL BE OKAY. I’LL JUST WAIT FOR YOU IN THE COLD. I BET HE DOESN’T EVEN KNOW YOU HAVE A GIRL FRIEND, HUH? SO GO. JUST TALK TO HIM. YOU WANT TO TALK TO HIM MORE THAN ME AND THAT’S OBVIOUS.
I turned my phone off and cried. After moments I just wanted to leave. To obliterate from his life forever. But you know what, friends? I just can’t. I love him, I really do. Honestly, he’s the only person I imagined spending my life with. I realized that night that despite his flaws and imperfections, I really love him. I love him for the dork that he is; I love him when he cries, he rants, he says things, he laughs, he breathes, he looks at me, etc. I love him and that’s just how it is.
One day, he told me that he was tripped often times and it just led him to make him love me more. As in, love me again like before. He told me (this was before their senior retreat) that he was sorry about being a jerk, and he pleads for me to not leave him, ever. I obliged happily. When he returned from the retreat, he gave me a letter which brought me to tears. The words, those words; it had been four months since he last wrote me a letter, four months since he said those words, but they are definitely worth the wait.
I love you.
Oh, and by the way, if ever he is reading this blog, let me just tell you that this is the only thing that made me so comfortable opening up. I don’t want you to be sad for me that’s why I hid these facts from you (about the fact of me getting hurt even if I say it’s okay for me). But right now, I can say that I’m okay now. I’ve understood you so much better than before, and I’m still risking for us both.
So, to the girls who have similar experiences with me, don’t give up on them. Make sure you’re always there for them even if it means you have to be hurt. Because at one point, once you learn to fall in love, you permit yourself to be hurt.
I’m contented with what we have today. And whatever happens, I’ll always be here for him. I love him. I always do. I didn’t get tired at all.
PS I repeat, if you’re reading this, know that I’m not a good writer. And if you happen to be judgmental, a racist, stereotypical or somewhat similar, SHUT UP. Just SHUT UP. You don’t know him like I do. 🙂