Toxic

I have been in a relationship for almost four years now (three years and nine months to be exact) and so far it has been such a wild roller coaster ride.

We often clash.

And we often fight. We might even kill each other if we were near a weaponry or something, and I am positive about it. Maybe it’s because of passion. Or… perhaps we are just too taken by the moments.

But those fights make me think about all the good things. The good things I wish we still have–or had.

So many things had happened this year. SO. MANY. THINGS. Things I’d toss to trash, and things worth hanging on to. We’ve crossed the thinkable and the unthinkable, and I guess it branded us that we were really meant to be if even in the worst of times, we still manage to be together.

Often faced with a difficult situation, and we were always unfazed.

But what happens when both of us are–tired?

Tired, and like we’re just waiting for one of us to finally give up?
What do you do?

If I was asked, I’d stay.

Yes, I’d stay.

Even in the toxicity of the moment. Even in the worst of times. Even at the point of breaking down. Because I chose to love, even if I am at fault, or if he is at fault, or if both of us are. Even if the going gets tougher every second. Even if everything is falling apart…

I’d still choose him. I’d choose us.

I admit to have my shortcomings. For mostly being restrictive.
I don’t know if he’ll ever admit to his…

I miss the good times.
The old times.

And I keep hanging on to the memories that made me hold on to us more.

I love him. I hope he does, too.

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This is why I feel sorry for you

You know what sucks?

You mostly don’t get to hurt people who have hurt you.

Why is the world like this? You know you’ve been hurt. What is more, is that they used to be your friends. Why would they hurt you like this? WHY?

So I don’t really know why I’m writing about this just now, but someone I thought was so kind, decided that kissing my boyfriend is no big deal. LIke…. what the actual fuck?

Seriously. Do you really think being drunk is a good enough reason to “unconsciously” kiss someone? Now, if you’re a bit retarded, that I could believe. Plus, I would forgive you in a heart beat. But blocking me in your social media accounts, saving yourself by telling a not-good enough reason to just be kissing someone who’s taken, and getting your friends to heat things up even though they’re not really involved in any other way do not account as good enough. No one deserves this pain; not even you. Yes, I truly believe that. Even you, who was a pig to act like that, do not deserve that.

but you know what? Now I am against my own principles. Suddenly I want to inflict upon you so much pain. A pain so excruciating that you would be killed slowly, as I gaze at your unworthy being. I’ve treated you and your friends as my own, and never did I expect you to do that. Unfortunately, no matter how much I attempt to slap you, or pull your hair so hard they’ll fall off in a finger snap, words are all I have. You know why? Because if I do physical pain to you, I would be stooping down to your level, and to be frank, YOU DON’T DESERVE JUST PHYSICAL PAIN.

God knows what happened. And if you wouldn’t admit that to your friends, and make me out as the bad person here, then by all means, go. But remember this, because this made me mad the most.

You don’t get to decide who I am. You don’t have the right to tell my boyfriend what kind of girl I am because first and foremost, YOU DON’T KNOW EVEN A QUARTER OF MY BEING. You weren’t there when I was born, when I was growing up, when I was hurt by people I love. You weren’t there when I needed someone, when I was locked in the dark. You DON’T know my relationship with my boyfriend, how we met, how he confessed his feelings for me, how we fell in love, how we kissed in the library, how we act silly and foolish, how much I love not just him, but his family. YOU. DON’T. KNOW. Yet you decided to feed his mind some lousy idea that I don’t truly love him.

Guess what? You only know my name, not my story, and definitely not OUR story. We almost ended three years of love, but fortunately, he didn’t listen to you. And to be really, really rude on purpose, WHY SHOULD HE LISTEN TO YOU?

Girl, and your friends, always remember that this is not the end. I will continue befalling you, I will continue killing you in my mind, or torture you in my mind at least. I would continue, though, to pray for you, that I hope someday when you meet someone you truly love, that he wouldn’t do this to you, or that another girl would kiss the one you love. I really hope someday, when you experience the pain you have inflicted upon me, that you would be able to handle it and just move on, since that was what everyone was telling me, right? As if it’s so easy.

The only reason why it’s easy for you and your gang to say that is because it never happened to you yet, or because you’re not in the situation. But if you put yourselves in my shoes, I swear to God that the pain will exceed excruciating standards.

I hope you won’t use the excuse ‘drunk’ ever again, because it’s bullshit.

Til we meet again. I sincerely wish you a lifetime of happiness, as long as it agrees with your conscience.

PS: I know this blog post will seem mean, but IDC. It still hurts.

PPS: This should actually be common sense, idk why you have the guts to do that.

Dream

“What is your dream?”

To be honest, I don’t know what my dreams are anymore. My life, for the past few months, has been filled with so much toxicity that I decided I am not good for my dreams anymore.

Like any other person, I have big dreams. When I quit college, I want to move out of my house right after I get a job. Pay back what I owe to my mom, live the job that I want (in this case I want to either be a radio broadcaster/disk jockey, a reporter, a writer, or own a publishing house which I keep telling myself that I HAVE to achieve), go to graduate school to earn my MA in Journalism, become a lawyer on the sides, save up to travel the world, hopefully get married to the same guy I am dating right now… these kinds of stuff.

However, due to circumstances of demotivation and pain, I’ve once again doubted myself. I doubted my beliefs and the ones I hung onto… suddenly these dreams are unattainable, because I don’t believe anymore.

I don’t know if I’m blinded by the fact that as I go further down the road not taken, the more pain demands to be felt… I’m a bit messed up. I honestly don’t know what to do anymore.

8 Mistakes I’ve Made So Far

I’ll never forget the first time I made friends. I was in kindergarten, and there were people inside a classroom; a new classroom, because I was accelerated because my teacher said I read too much for my supposed level. So there I was, standing and I was asked to introduce myself.

I sat down next to a long haired girl and she was my first friend ever. Best friends, she even said. I was happy of course, because at a very young age, talkative and jolly I may be, I was pretty insecure about myself.

I was known to be a little bit clingy when making friends. Idk why too. Maybe I was constantly longing for companionship. I was raised by my grandmother when my mom and dad separated for good, and I keep to myself all the time except when mum visits me in the province. I am happy about leaving for school because I knew that friends await me there, and the house I lived in consumed me into deafening silence.

Then life happened. As I grew up, the circle of friends became smaller as I step into another level. Best friends became just friends, and friends became strangers. I persisted. Even if people said outwardly that we’re not really friends, I try to join their clique.

Mistake number one. I got too obsessed with the idea of fitting in.

Then high school happened. I thought it would be a whole new world and I’d finally fit in and make a band of buddies I can keep for life.

Mistake number two. I was too hopeful.

I ended up having friends in HS; their number can be counted on my ten fingers. The rest were mere acquaintances and yeah, classmates.

Although there was a time in my HS days where I befriended a whole group of people but ended up losing them because maybe, I wasn’t good enough for them. Nevertheless I gave them my all, which was a mistake number three: giving my all to people who are not worth it.

There was also a girl who said I was her best friend. I was glad she and I really hit it off for the next four years until after graduating she said, “You’re not really my best friend; I pretended because you wanted me around.”

Mistake number four, hanging on to people who don’t want to be with you.

College then came. I was so excited that things may be different.

Mistake number five.

I happened to only have four friends in my class (in college), one of which had stopped talking to me suddenly, without even a heads up.

I was too aggressive to make friends.

But then one person told me that they are not necessarily mistakes. People just have their preferences. We all have the power to choose.

Maybe that’s mistake number six, i chose the wrong people.

If there is a lesson I’ve learned that life made me think through, is that people change, people choose, and not everything in this life is permanent. You have to make every moment count as if it’s the last.

Problem is, I rarely make moments count, thinking that there is always a next time. Mistake number seven.

This time, I’ll look back from where it all began and hopefully learn from these mistakes. As what Lily (HIMYM) once asked Ted, how will you know if the mistake is a mistake or not?

My mind’s all messed up and idk how to fix this mess but at least I poured my heart out. For years I haven’t really.

Mistake number eight. Believing that things are permanent and right. But not everything.

I SURVIVED!!!

So after a very dramatic and obstacle-infested this half of the year had been, I want to say that I SURVIVED yet another chance in making myself change for the better. I’ve improved what needs to be improved, and so far, I’m making up for the wrong decisions that I’ve made in the past.

God had been with me all along. Maybe I had to go through traumatic experiences to love myself more and make myself grow. Before, I’ve been a weak person; I cry even in the slightest stumble (this is a figure of speech) but now, I learned how to be independent. And as of now, I’m still sacrificing. I sacrifice my time because of my younger brother, I sacrificed socializing because I don’t intend to be with people who parties hard, because to be honest, I’m not that kind of girl, and I don’t want to be a social climber who tries to fit in just to say that I have “friends”.

I’m still here pursuing my dreams. There will always be things that would bring you down. But the key to that is just hold on. I’ve learned so much, from the little pink slip (this is a reference to a past blog post here) to the new environment that I am in.

I miss the old me. The old me who was in that dream that not only I had hoped and prayed hard for. I miss everything about it. But I valued something deeper up to the point that I was willing to give up everything just to make things okay for another. I cried and I still hurt because I want it all; but it makes me strong. One day, I would live that dream in the future, with better opportunities and moments, and no one would ever feel sorry ever again.

But I like the me now. I struggle not for greatness, but for learning further. And I would always thank the Lord for being there when no one else was. Without him, I wouldn’t be able to have another chance at living. I will make up for everything that I destroyed, and for everyone whom I hurt the most.

In behalf of the little pink slip,
and my uncanny cause for trouble, this has been the most despicable girl that you would probably come across with;

towards a better, more sophisticated and mannered woman in me.

Thank you God. Thanks everyone. Babawi ako. 🙂